I Do Declare

Some 50 years ago, Fernando Flores built on a theory originally developed by philosopher J.L. Austin and later expanded by another philosopher, J.R. Searle. He called it The Theory of Speech Acts and it holds that language is generative and as such, that words are capable of production. Specifically, it identifies six acts of speech that create action or impel change.

• Declarations
• Assertions
• Assessments
• Requests
• Offers
• Promises

Of these powerful six, there is one that I consider especially simple to master and useful in family business leadership; the Declaration.

The Value of a Declaration

Declarations are made to change the way things are. It’s a tool to employ when we have looked around and realized we can no longer continue as we have. Perhaps there is potential for improvement, or another avenue we’d prefer to travel. To set such change into motion, the best place to start is with a declaration.

We are all familiar with significant declarations that changed the world. Looking back on history, there are several that might come to mind.

The Declaration of Human Rights, published in 1948

The Declaration of Independence, of 1776

and then of course there are more common day-to-day declarations;

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

“I am never doing that again.”

What makes declarations so powerful is that they mark a place in time from which things will be different. New thinking or new rules are in place. They relay that up until now, this has been the norm, and with my declaration, that is changing. Declarations are so influential and can be used by anyone. You don’t have to be on top of the hierarchy for a declaration to be effective. A declaration might be made to others or to yourself.

In my work as a leadership coach for family businesses, I help my clients uncover and craft the declarations they need to make. It can be an indispensable tool to initiate change when negative patterns and behaviors have become the norm within the family and family business system. Significant improvements have come from the declaration that marks the beginning of an era where new, more positive norms are instituted.

Declarations Are A Good Thing

Generally, declarations signify changes that are grounded in good intentions and are meant to bring about positive change, improvement, or further a movement toward a specific goal.

When an individual makes a declaration, it creates a boundary. From the moment the declaration is made, things are different. Time is easily divided between before and after. A declaration memorializes the start of something new and is indicative of something stated for the first time.

Drive Action

It’s important to note that a declaration is distinctly different from an announcement. Announcements are intended to inform the public; they simply provide information. On the flip side, declarations not only give information but also introduce a specific action.

Declarations tend to be more formal — they are a level up on day-to-day language. Perhaps because the speaker has thoroughly thought out their intention; what they want their declaration to initiate. It’s worth taking the extra time to craft our declaration wisely to ensure that it delivers the impact you intended.

Crafting Your Declaration

As a starting point, carefully consider what it is that you want to initiate and what action you want to create. The more clear and concise, the more memorable. Also, keep in mind that your words may be cited or quoted repeatedly in the future.

One way to start your declaration is with the phrase, “Up until now”. For example, at one point Henry Ford might have said something like this, “Up until now, all cars have been available only in black. From now on, we will offer them in green as well.” This structure emphasizes the change of action and demarcates the start of something new.

Delivering Your Declaration

Do keep in mind that the time and method of delivery for your declarations are important factors to its success. So, it’s best to consider which would be most efficient — oral or written?

If your declaration is in writing, it’s critical that it reaches your target audience at the appropriate time, whether it’s through an email, a poster, or even skywriting, consider when it will land. Be bold and innovative when using it as a catalyst for change.

As for verbal declarations, creating an environment of anticipation increases the impact. Set things up for curiosity — an atmosphere that invites thinking — set the atmosphere for learning. That could mean calling your audience together for a special meeting or simply prefacing your declaration with the words, “I have something important to relay” followed by a dramatic pause to heighten the tension.

One More Thing About Declarations

Declarations can also be used to express personal boundaries — setting yourself free from the expectations of others. Once someone has declared what they will or will not do, others have little choice but to accept it. Then, of course, it’s important to stick to your declaration. Be consistent and walk the talk. And of course, be prepared for the cost, whatever that may be.

And this brings us to a key quality required to make a declaration; Courage.

Many refrain from using this powerful tool because it takes a fair amount of courage to draw a line in the sand. To wield the power of change can be scary. As a result, many of us likely have a declaration we know we ought to make, but continually avoid.

This article is one in a series of five that examine speech acts. Today, I’d like to share some thoughts about promises and their significance in family business.

Promises go hand-in-hand with trust; the headliner in family business. In fact, trust is so critical that it ought to be counted as an asset on a family business balance sheet. It plays a huge role in the dynamics that will determine the odds of business continuity into the next generation and even the one after that.

Based on Flores’ theory, we know that promises are made to bring about change or commit to a future act. They are often framed by “someday” and “from now on”, indicating a shift in behavior or circumstances. They are defined as a heartfelt commitment to perform an act.

Some promises oft made in a family business:

• Someday this will all be yours.
• You will be the next CEO.
• From now on you can count on me to take care of that for you.

By their very nature, promises carry more weight than a plan or intention. We promise when the stakes are high when it’s important. And from an etymological standpoint, it’s interesting to consider why an unfulfilled promise is described as “broken”. Which leads me to ask, might a broken promise be considered a lie? Hmm, I think that’s a question for a whole other article.

Three Key Factors go into Making a Promise “Successful”

The first is clarity. Effectively communicating your commitment and assuring that the recipient is clear on what to expect. As you can imagine, there is a lot of room for misconception in this phase.

Second, intentionality is a critical factor, how serious are you about your promise? We should make promises only when we are wholeheartedly ready to commit and sincerely intend to act upon them.

And lastly, trustworthiness. What’s the track record been, do you keep your promises? Promises are like a currency secured by our character — kind of like a FICO score.

Keeping our commitments and consistently fulfilling the promises we make builds our trustworthiness. And, of course, when we fail, it is eroded. Trustworthiness is a part of our overall reputation and for the most part, within our control. We all establish our own level of trustworthiness yet it is gauged by others. And, everyone’s gauge is calibrated differently.

Some people will measure based on that one time, twenty years ago we failed to come through. Some infractions outweigh others. I suppose it depends on the level of negative emotional impact the unfulfilled promise caused.

What Does it Matter and Why Should I Care?

The thing is trustworthiness, or lack thereof, plays a big role in the quality of our relationships. A series of successful promises means better relationships. So a good rule of thumb would be to build a strong reputation as someone who never breaks their promises.

But since we are human and things change or get in the way, it’s likely that from time to time, we will break a promise. And when that happens, shame might cause us to react in an emotionally immature way — counting on the hope that the promisee doesn’t notice or soon forgets about the unfulfilled promise. Obviously, that tactic just leads to a lower level of trustworthiness on their gauge and lowers the quality of the relationship.

Fortunately, those who love us tend to forgive us for our broken promises, but forgiving doesn’t equate to forgetting; it still impacts trust.

Promises Broken, 7 Courageous Steps to Redemption

So if the negative impact of a broken promise can never be undone, you might ask, “Is there a way to re-boost your level of trustworthiness?” Yes! Yes, there is but it comes at a price. It requires a level of vulnerability that many of us find uncomfortable or hard to embrace. Unless you have the magical ability to turn back time, your only choice is to embark on these seven difficult steps toward redemption.

1. Acknowledge broken promise to yourself: Awareness is the first step, many of us put off acknowledging a broken promise long enough to forget all about it.

2. Deciding on your new commitment: Decide whether to remake your former promise, make a smaller or a bigger one, or make no promises at all.

3. Prepare for accountability: A promise broken damages trust so be prepared to accept the consequences. There is a cost.

4. Apologize: Owning and saying you’re sorry is critical. Don’t lean on excuses, own it and apologize.

5. Listen and stay consistent: Ask to hear their story and be empathetic to their negative experience. This can be painful but remember that this is not the time to become defensive. Listen, nod, take it in, and ask if there is more.

6. Communicate a new level of commitment: Inquire and actively listen to learn and confirm their willingness to give you a second chance and clearly communicate your new commitment, checking in to confirm it meets their needs.

7. Show and execute the plan: Present your well-devised make-up plan and most important of all, be sure to carry it out. It’s unlikely that you’ll get a third chance.

After reviewing the seven steps you might be thinking, “ Oh my gosh, that’s ridiculous, no one would do all that.” And you’re right, most people don’t. If they did, a lot more friends and families would be talking to each other. But when the stakes are high, for example in business families where relationships are key to continuity, it needs to be the norm.

Reflections on the Act of Promising

To me it feels like “promise” is a word oft associated with childhood. It’s likely that our childhood experiences with promises, both the broken and the fulfilled, are carried forward with us into our adult relationships. I hope this dive into provides a platform for self-reflection and some new awareness around promises, trust, and relationships.

And to assist with that, I leave you with a short list of questions.

In the United States, we are flooded daily with advertising and marketing offers, “Buy 1, Get 1 Free!” Or “Lose Weight While You Sleep”, “Sign-Up Here to Double Your Income”. Most are easy to disregard while some catch our eye. We have learned to live with the noise and clutter and readily discern which offers are meaningful to us.

And yet there is a subtler, more significant version of an offer that many of us don’t notice or recognize; the altruistic gesture. An offer of help, or to perform a selfless act on our behalf. It can be big or small, but it always offered without expectation of reciprocity or compensation.

Asking a co-worker or family member to complete a task and then not getting results, can be frustrating. We’ve all experienced that feeling of disappointment when we realize our request has been ignored, not carried out properly, or seemingly, forgotten. Depending on the relationship, work or personal, repeated letdowns erode trust and over time, the relationship as well.

Since there will always be relationships, hierarchies, leaders, and followers, there will always be requests. They are a necessary part of communication to get things done. Partnering with and enlisting the help of others is an essential human trait. It allows us to achieve far more than we could alone.

Eliminate the Pain

And to that end, we all make requests all day long. But we do it without much awareness or thought about their mechanics. And their mechanics are important because, how you make a request will greatly impact the likelihood of it being fulfilled. Today, I’d like to share with you how to lower your odds of suffering the disappointment of an unfulfilled request.

But before I dive into that, allow me to share some background about requests.

Words Drive Action

In the 1970s, Fernando Flores, a creative thinker and pioneer in the field of coaching, built on a theory originally developed by philosopher J.L. Austin. Flores called it The Theory of Speech Acts. It explains that language is generative and as such, words are capable of production. Specifically, it identifies six speech acts that create action or impel change.

• Assertions & Assessments
• Declarations
• Requests
• Offers
• Promises

And for a request to be effective, it must include the following mechanics:

• A speaker and a listener
• Clear conditions of satisfaction
• Time by which the request must be fulfilled
• A shared understanding of the request being made

Here’s an example of a request gone wrong in a family business scenario wherein siblings work together. Perhaps it seems familiar to you.

Gen-two daughter was preparing for a meeting with a local banker. Because he handled all the family business bookkeeping and financial reporting, her brother/business partner was eager to help when she said, “I’m going to need those financial reports”. He knew his part would be critical to their financing, so he was focused on providing flawless and up-to-date data; he had no idea exactly when she wanted them. And it wasn’t until later the next day when his sister was clearly irritated with him, that he learned she expected them ready first thing in the morning.

If her request had included all the mechanics of an effective request, they both would have experienced a better interaction. With the critical elements as outlined above, her request would have sounded more like this.

“Tomorrow morning at 8:00 I will stop by the office to pick up the current Balance Sheet and Profit and Loss Report. Can you please have them printed and on my desk by that time?”

This clear request includes all the necessary elements that would have allowed her brother to respond with a “Yes, no problem” or a “No, I cannot” or even a counteroffer. “I have a dental appointment in the morning, but I can have them ready for you by noon, would that work for you?”

Wow, see the difference? By putting extra care into making a proper request the fracture of the family harmony can be avoided. It’s not just in family business, rather, in any relationship where unfulfilled requests lead to an erosion of trust and eventually, strained relationships. But trust among members of a family business is especially important because it’s key for long-term overall success and business continuity. I often say that trust should be tracked as a line item on the balance sheet, it’s a valuable asset. The more of it you can develop, the better.

Another Thing About Requests

Requests can vary from mild hints to commands, covering everything in between. The more direct, the clearer the request. But, while directness might provide clarity, a request that is too direct can sound like a command while requests that sound more like hints, aren’t effective either.

”Request strategies can be measured by levels of directness and awareness around the impact of directness, or lack thereof, can help effectively convey requests to others.” –Blum-Kulka & Olshtain (1984)

As an example, a family business I worked with struggled to make clear requests. They tended to lean on hints. On a specific occasion, the dad said to his son, “Wow, look at all those orders to ship.” and when the son smiled and nodded, the dad felt pleased, believing his stress over backed-up orders would soon be alleviated. The next day when the dad saw the orders were still there, he was clearly angry. His son felt blindsided and spent all day deflated, he had no idea that his dad’s comment from the day before was meant to be a request.

These kinds of communications happened all the time and they led to a tension-filled relationship. Dad believed that his son continually disrespected him, and the son believed that his dad was an irrational hothead and was secretly considering a job elsewhere.

Once these family business members learned about the mechanics of a request, they began to change the way they made them. At first, it was uncomfortable being so formal and structured when asking one another to do things but then realized it was worth the effort because it consistently led to better outcomes.

Improving Your Approach When Making Requests

We know from experience that polite requests can motivate the receiver and often lead to higher-quality output while at the same time relaying that their contribution is valuable.

When working with family, we might neglect the need to be polite because of our high level of familiarity. However, skipping over that detail tends to lead to a culture of disrespect. It doesn’t take much to add “please” and “thank you” to build a better culture, tending to the relationships of your family business.

Family Business Leaders, It’s Your Job to Assess Your Requests

Aside from the mechanics and degree of directness, you need a good understanding of where your requests are coming from, who they are for, and how they move the family business toward its goals.

Here are some key points to consider to make your requests more effective and in turn, your business more successful:

• Are your requests reasonable? Really, ask yourself…are they?
• Do your requests empower others to grow or be greater?
• Do you consider the strengths and weaknesses of the person to whom you are making a request, are they capable of fulfilling it?
• Do the norms within your organization consistently call for accountability at all levels?

Requests are powerful tools you can use to start an action, as well as provide someone with the possibility of learning new things, supporting their growth and development. The more we lean into strong communication skills, the less room for misunderstanding, disappointment, frustration, and the erosion of trust. We all have the same communication tools at our disposal, with a little effort, we can level up interactions and work better together.

Have you ever asked someone a question, only to get an answer that you later realized was wrong? Did it leave you questioning the value of their input? Did it cause you to wonder about their motivation in giving faulty information?

It’s happened to me countless times. I work with my husband, and together we’ve owned a business for 20 years. In that time, we’ve asked one another a whole lot of work-related questions. The accuracy is important because often, big decisions are based on it. But what I’ve noticed over the years is that my husband’s answers have frequently been… well, wrong…or so it seemed to me.

If you’re part of a family business, you likely know that trust is essential. If you can’t trust one another, the whole arrangement won’t work for very long. After all, family businesses depend on relationships that are built on mutual trust. And what better way to destroy the relationship and each other’s trust than to believe you’ve been misled?

I might be a slow learner because it took me a long, long time to realize that my husband/business partner, wasn’t giving me bad information, he was giving me his assessments. And I want to share with you what I finally learned about assessments that helped me learn to trust his information again.

Some Background

Before I share the details, let me tell you about a gentleman by the name of Fernando Flores. In the 1970’s, he declared that language is generative and as such, words are capable of production. He called his idea, The Theory of Speech Acts and it includes the following six powerful communicative opportunities that, when used properly, can affect real change.

• Assertions
• Assessments
• Declarations
• Requests
• Offers
• Promises

We use all six of these in our daily conversations without much thought. But, giving them some attention, understanding their productivity, and being able to discern one from another can improve the quality of communication. And, in my experience as a leadership coach, when employed properly in our communications, they can improve our working relationships and build trust among colleagues and family.

The first thing to know about assessments is that they are not a bad thing. As human beings, we instinctively make assessments — it is part of our hard-wiring and can be credited for keeping our species alive over the millennia. Our instinctive ability to assess has helped us to know what to choose and what to avoid.

To best explain how to identify an assessment and understand what it is, I need to clarify what it is not. And the best way to do that is to introduce you to its partner, the assertion.

Assessments vs. Assertions

On the surface, assessments and assertions might seem quite similar but their difference is significant. Here’s how they work.

Assertions are either true or false statements. They are verifiable, based on universal truth, and are accepted by society as factual.

• The checking account has a $1,500. balance.
• A year is 365 days.
• The earthquake registered a 7.6 on the Richter Scale.

Assessments, on the other hand, are opinions made for the sake of coordinating action, or to justify a feeling.

• There is enough in the account — you won’t overdraft.
• A year is a long time to wait.
• The earthquake was big and scary.

Back to my story; because my husband was giving me assessments rather than assertions, and I was unaware of the difference, I often took every word he said as universal truth. Had I known more about Speech Acts and listened more carefully, I would have realized that he was sharing his opinion and that if I needed solid data, I should verify his information.

For the record, we communicate much better now, he hasn’t changed a thing, but I know how to listen differently.

Understanding Smooths The Bumps

So, what does this matter and how is it useful? In communication, a lot of opportunities for misunderstandings present themselves so the more we understand one another, the more smoothly things can go.

In the first example above, I’m sure if I were the check writer, I’d feel misled if the check bounced. Had I taken into account (no pun intended) that it was just an assessment, I would have confirmed the bank balance myself.

Ideally, if the respondent is truly concerned about providing useful information, they might pause and consider whether an assessment (opinion) or assertion (fact) would be most helpful. But, most people don’t do that, it takes a lot of focus and effort that we generally don’t engage.

For an assessment to be more than just a good guess, it would need to be a grounded assessment; an opinion based on information or facts. It’s still an opinion and in this example it might mean that it is based on factors such as receivables, scheduled payments, recent bank statement reconciliations, and maybe even float but still, it’s just an opinion. Again, it’s not likely anyone would put that much effort into a response.

If you want to play it safe, or the situation is dire, with no room for error, the best option would be to check the facts and provide an assertion, “ The current balance is $1520.” The information is clear, concise and is based on fact; it provides the listener with the data they can use to decide for themselves.

Conversely, as listeners, we can evaluate if the response we have been given is an assessment (opinion) or an assertion (factual) and then clarify further if necessary or perhaps more simply, discounting assessments we don’t trust.

Just to be clear, assessments are not a bad thing nor do they lead to losing trust. It is when the listener takes the assessment to be true and accurate that there are opportunities for misunderstanding. And, over time, those misunderstandings lead to an erosion of trust.

This simple distinction helps minimize the chances of misunderstanding. I suggest that both the speaker and the listener are responsible for putting effort into understanding the difference and listening carefully to distinguish between the two.

Evaluate The Assessments You Hear

Once you can readily identify an assessment, you must gauge its worthiness. Assessments can prove excellent and useful in decision-making, but trusting all of them isn’t advisable.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself when evaluating assessments:

• Are they competent enough to make the assessment?
• Do they have enough experience or authority to make the assessment?
• Is it grounded? What evidence are they relying on?
• Are you in the proper mood to receive an assessment? Or are you in an emotional state that would cloud your thinking?

Particularly, in a family business — where family dynamics play a big role — knowing how to discern assessments from assertions can help you and your business partners make better judgments and decisions. And in business, making the best possible decisions is of utmost importance.

What’s Next

With some attention and practice, you’ll soon be able to distinguish the assertions from the assessments that you hear. In fact, it might be a fun game to evaluate them as you go through your normal daily routine and conversations! Listening at this powerful level can support your self-development by providing new perspectives. So put up your antennas, start listening, and ask yourself. Is this an assessment or assertion? Practice discerning and see what new places it leads you.